My 30th Birthday is in 2 weeks and I think I am gonna throw up. I am not where I expected to be at 30. If you would have told me when I was 20 that I would be starting over as a single mother of 3 at 30 I would have laughed at you! Psssssssshhhhhttt! No,not me! I am gonna be married stable in a career an set up financially! Hahahahaha,what a joke. I left my career to be a mom, I stayed with a man that I knew wouldn't stay with me and don't have 2 pennies to rub together for a good time.
I am happy as the mother of 3 of the most incredible children I could of ever been blessed with but sometimes i feel like that's not enough. And then I feel guilty. Should I be content with what I have? Am I ungrateful for what I have been given in this life? I'm not sure. I do know that outside of my children my life is not what I want it to be. I want to have something to do when the kids are with there father, someone to spend time with but I just don't know how to meet someone or if I truly am ready for that.
I am just not where I thought I would be or where I feel I should be for that matter.
I want to be happy. I want what I have to be enough. I want to be grateful for this life God has blessed me with. I'm just not. I'm really not happy anymore.
I think I need to see a therapist. I do think I am going through something that's not normal everyday depression. I don't think my meds are doing what they're suppose to. Is this too much info? Am I putting to much out there? Am I nuts? IS this to many questions for me to be asking and should I just let life happen? I feel like I should have more answers to my life, not so many questions.
Bottom line, I'm not happy.......
3 comments:
i think you should be proud of yourself for writing it all down... thats beginning therapy in itself..:)
This is what a blog is for. Revealing your deepest fears, and emotions, I think that you are making progress by acknowledging these things. Granted, I am not going thru what you are, but I too have my own unhappy moments. Hang in there Mel!
I know the fear, depression & helplessness you are talking about. I was once there, but have transformed my life into what I want it to be, and so can you. Remember that even though you don't understand the path GOD set before you, he does, and he doesn't make mistakes. Everything happens for a reason. Use this time to find yourself, your happiness and independence. It makes such a difference and is utterly surprising the difference in the person you are now versus the one you were when you fell in love. You are not crazy nor are you selfish, your happiness is important too. I once defined myself by the mother I was and the children I had, but its not healthy, you are your own person and need to acknowledge that and allow yourself to matter. If you don't, you will never be happy. You deserve to be cared for, treated well & loved. It is out there for you, just give it time. Embrace this time to figure out who you are, what you want, and what makes you happy. Then when the time is right, & probably when you least expect it, you will once again find love. Believe me, I was terrified, a single mother of 4 in her mid 20's, no job, and no idea where my life was going. But after focusing on me, my kids, and the life I wanted for us. I decided I would not settle for less & would never give up my pursuit of happiness, love & life. I found it, or rather it found me. Now my family is complete & life is everything I ever imagined it to be. It can all be yours Melissa, you are a strong beautiful woman, and a great mother. Stay strong and true to yourself, you will find happiness again, I just know it...
Post a Comment