Not Divorced but as close to it as I can get.

This year has been a struggle out the gate. I don't know how else to start this blog. On January 1st the love of my life walked in the door and told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't think he ever would. The Earth shook my knees buckled and I looked at him as if he was an Idiot because of course he is.I knew we were having problems but what sudomarriage doesn't? We would work through them and be in love like we always have for the past 13 years. Then he dropped the big bomb,he was moving out. I have been in this boat before and honestly had told myself if it ever happened again I was gonna stick to my guns this time. So I told him I thought we should speak to our Pastor, he said "Melissa there's no point there's no fixing it".....Uhhhh what I just found out all this info and am having a little hard time processing it. But still I said the words that would rip my world apart, the ones that would steal my children's hearts. The ones I have been afraid to say for 13 years "If you leave there is no coming back this time, I can't take it, the kids can't take it, its just not fair anymore" Then I cried every second that the kids weren't home and when they got home I wiped away the tears and was the strong Mommy they needed me to be for them.
So I sit here for the first time since he left and reflect on all the things I could have done different, am I right in letting him go? Could I have persuaded him to stay? Will my children ever forgive me? Is there someone out there meant for me? Could I have avoided this 6 years ago by not letting him come back? I don't have any of these answers and know that I most likely never will but I still beat myself up on a regular basis about what I could of done different or whether telling him he can't come back was the right thing to do but I do know that my kids can't keep going through this and even if its not what I expected my life to be I know that in the long run my kids couldn't keep watching there Dad come and go......