Not Divorced but as close to it as I can get.

This year has been a struggle out the gate. I don't know how else to start this blog. On January 1st the love of my life walked in the door and told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't think he ever would. The Earth shook my knees buckled and I looked at him as if he was an Idiot because of course he is.I knew we were having problems but what sudomarriage doesn't? We would work through them and be in love like we always have for the past 13 years. Then he dropped the big bomb,he was moving out. I have been in this boat before and honestly had told myself if it ever happened again I was gonna stick to my guns this time. So I told him I thought we should speak to our Pastor, he said "Melissa there's no point there's no fixing it".....Uhhhh what I just found out all this info and am having a little hard time processing it. But still I said the words that would rip my world apart, the ones that would steal my children's hearts. The ones I have been afraid to say for 13 years "If you leave there is no coming back this time, I can't take it, the kids can't take it, its just not fair anymore" Then I cried every second that the kids weren't home and when they got home I wiped away the tears and was the strong Mommy they needed me to be for them.
So I sit here for the first time since he left and reflect on all the things I could have done different, am I right in letting him go? Could I have persuaded him to stay? Will my children ever forgive me? Is there someone out there meant for me? Could I have avoided this 6 years ago by not letting him come back? I don't have any of these answers and know that I most likely never will but I still beat myself up on a regular basis about what I could of done different or whether telling him he can't come back was the right thing to do but I do know that my kids can't keep going through this and even if its not what I expected my life to be I know that in the long run my kids couldn't keep watching there Dad come and go......

Louis but I call him Dad

My Dad is amazing, always has been always will be. There is very little I can say bad about him. He raised my sister and I on his own from the time I was just barley 1. Working 3 jobs at times just to make ends meat. He didn't do everything right but he certainly didn't do it wrong either.
I love him with all my heart. I always compare a man to him. If my Daddy could do it alone you should be able to too. He never complained and refused any help form the government. He was and is Super Man. But now he's sick and there is no magic wand to make him all better.
He never goes to the doctor, ever! So when he called me and asked if I was sitting down then proceeded to tell me he was in the hospital well I dropped , I sobbed and then I went to him. He had gone to Urgent Care because he thought he had a cold and they sent him straight to the hospital where he was admitted to ICU. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and fluid on the lungs. He was there for 5 days and they couldn't figure out what was causing his heart rate to be 178/95! They did get it lowered 125/80 but not where it needed to be. He was sent home 2 days ago and now we wait to see what the cardiologist says. It hurts so bad to know your Dad is ill and you can't make him all better and whether the doctors can either. I'm scared. I'm stressed. I'm broken. He has to get better cause I will get worse if he doesn't. I can't lose my Dad he is my everything. I just want him all better and his normal ornery self.
Please Pray for his health and my sanity......

I'm Back

Finally I'm back! My new resolution is start blogging again. I got pregnant in 2008 and was going through so much with my family, then we cut our Internet so was just unable to continue blogging. But now I'm gonna hop back on the train and really stick with it this time.
I am recently single after 13 years and raising my kiddo's all alone. The thing is that I love it! I miss my relationship and it is difficult facing one of my biggest fears of my kids coming from a single parent home but I am so happy for myself and my independence.
There is so much to update on I guess I will take it one day at a time and see where my life is headed. But for now I wanted to say, I'm back!!!!

Spring Break

(here's a pic of Jayd and her cousin Drew at the park)
I am so excited for Spring Break, and so are the kids. Nick and I decided to take the week off also so we can spend time as a family. Today we are kicking it off with a Dentist appt. . Ace had to get a few fillings today, they give him a liquid sedative similar to Valium. It can be quite funny. His equal Librium is off and he does some pretty funny things. So needless to say we are sticking around the house. Tomorrow we are gonna go to the local skate rink and spend the day, the kids love this. On Thursday we will head over to the Coast for a couple of days of fun the Saturday we have my beautiful niece Leah's Birthday. It will be fun filled and relaxing all at the same time.
WE also had a surprise Party for Jayd with some of her Friends this weekend I will be going through pics and videos to do a post later this week on it. Her face when she walked in was priceless, she started to cry she was so shocked!! Her expression alone made all the stress and work worth it.
Happy Spring break to everyone.

Hoopster Girls

WE had such a busy weekend! Boy am I glad its over. Jayd had basketball tournaments all weekend, starting Friday night at 7:30. Lets just say thats kinda late for the folks in my house.

The girls did great. WE lost by 1 point on Friday, won on Saturday and win on Sunday. OUr girls did great! I am sooooo proud of them. My heart wants to explode every time i see my girl out there on the court fighting for the ball. She is so sweet and passive it took her along time to really get aggresive on the court. But on Saturday while she was batteling for the ball she got taken down to the ground! Big mistake for the other girl because my 110 lbs. girl fell on top of her! But Jayd did come out with a few bruises. And on Sunday my gril got one of her very few foul's! Yes people I am proud of that! If you ever met her you would be too.

So allas basketball season has come to an end with The Hoopsters ranking 2nd in league and 3rd in tournament!

She is going to do track in April then Softball starts in MAy.....we are busy people over here folks! Very busy!

Oh and the boy gets to play soccer with the Kinders. this season bacause he is 6 in October. Probably an good idea since he towers over ALL of the pre-schoolers.LOL

03/11/1999

Today is the day I became a mother. Jayd Rene was born at 8:41 a.m. weighing 6 lbs. 14 oz. 19 in. long. She was perfect! So tiny and dark and perfect! I loved her more then I had ever loved anything before and I had just met her. I was going to be everything to her. i was going to be the mom that my mom wasn't able to be.

I took all the parenting classes I could before and after she was born. I was going to be the expert! And I was, with allot of help from my mom. Jayd was my world! Everything I did was for her. She brought my mom and I together after so many years apart. She was our Angel. If it wasn't for her I have no clue where I would be or what would have happened between my mom and me.

She was an amazing infant and an even greater 10 year old. I am blessed to be her Mom. There is no greater job that I could do. She made me the woman I am, she completed my life. She made it worth living and living right. Through her I reclaimed my relationship with my mom, built one with her dad, and found God again. I am the one blessed to be called her Mommy.

(I know these pics are blurry, sorry.)

Poor me

I'm sick. I feel terrible. I need sympathy.

I thought I was just tired form the party but when I woke up on Sunday with and ear ache, sore throat, body aches and headache. Well I knew I was sick. So here's to getting better.

Lots of fluids and lots of rest. Oh and plenty of cold medicine!