Growing up

My beautiful Jayd is 12 now and growing up so fast. She has had such a rough road that I can't help but brag. When she was 7 she was diagnosed with A.D.D. but I refused medication because honestly it just wasn't to the point that I could justify the need for life long meds. SO instead we chose a more natural approach of diet adjustment and organized, structured home life. And it did help. She has struggled in school and has been offered additional education outside of the classroom. But she wasn't held back by it, it didn't stop her from flourishing.
ON her 12 birthday after months of her being sick with stomach flu like symptoms she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. The doctors have no explanation because she is so active. She is on the swim team swimming 6-12 hours a week! But her body just isn't processing sugars like it should be. So now we are forced to do further diet adjustments to basically remove all sugars from her diet. It has been hard but we are doing what we must for her. And truthfully all of us. I have lost 18lbs. and she has 10. Her stomach problems are still there if she doesn't eat right but it is far less then it was and if need be we will be putting her on life long meds. something I have fought so hard to not do.
through all these struggles she has still thrived and succeeded in school, nothing will hold her back. She is on the principles list with a G.P.A. of 3.63 and the teachers say just a joy to have in class and treats everyone with equal respect. I am so proud of who she is becoming and all her accomplishments. We have let nothing hold her down and told her that while it might be a little harder for her there is no reason to strive for anything but the best in her life. And she is! She might spend more time on her homework and she might not be able to eat all the cake and candy at her friends birthday parties but she is still enjoying everything that is offered to her.
I have been told by some other parents that I am to hard on her and expecting all A's out of someone with a learning disabiltiy is setting her up for failure and to them I say not expecting 100% from her is what is going to set her up for failure. If we don't expect our children to reach for the stars they are never going to believe that skies are the limit. We must believe in our children in order for them to have the confidence to strive for success. Without our faith in them they will never have faith in themselves.

Not so Dirty 30

My 30th Birthday is in 2 weeks and I think I am gonna throw up. I am not where I expected to be at 30. If you would have told me when I was 20 that I would be starting over as a single mother of 3 at 30 I would have laughed at you! Psssssssshhhhhttt! No,not me! I am gonna be married stable in a career an set up financially! Hahahahaha,what a joke. I left my career to be a mom, I stayed with a man that I knew wouldn't stay with me and don't have 2 pennies to rub together for a good time.
I am happy as the mother of 3 of the most incredible children I could of ever been blessed with but sometimes i feel like that's not enough. And then I feel guilty. Should I be content with what I have? Am I ungrateful for what I have been given in this life? I'm not sure. I do know that outside of my children my life is not what I want it to be. I want to have something to do when the kids are with there father, someone to spend time with but I just don't know how to meet someone or if I truly am ready for that.

I am just not where I thought I would be or where I feel I should be for that matter.

I want to be happy. I want what I have to be enough. I want to be grateful for this life God has blessed me with. I'm just not. I'm really not happy anymore.

I think I need to see a therapist. I do think I am going through something that's not normal everyday depression. I don't think my meds are doing what they're suppose to. Is this too much info? Am I putting to much out there? Am I nuts? IS this to many questions for me to be asking and should I just let life happen? I feel like I should have more answers to my life, not so many questions.

Bottom line, I'm not happy.......

Not Divorced but as close to it as I can get.

This year has been a struggle out the gate. I don't know how else to start this blog. On January 1st the love of my life walked in the door and told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't think he ever would. The Earth shook my knees buckled and I looked at him as if he was an Idiot because of course he is.I knew we were having problems but what sudomarriage doesn't? We would work through them and be in love like we always have for the past 13 years. Then he dropped the big bomb,he was moving out. I have been in this boat before and honestly had told myself if it ever happened again I was gonna stick to my guns this time. So I told him I thought we should speak to our Pastor, he said "Melissa there's no point there's no fixing it".....Uhhhh what I just found out all this info and am having a little hard time processing it. But still I said the words that would rip my world apart, the ones that would steal my children's hearts. The ones I have been afraid to say for 13 years "If you leave there is no coming back this time, I can't take it, the kids can't take it, its just not fair anymore" Then I cried every second that the kids weren't home and when they got home I wiped away the tears and was the strong Mommy they needed me to be for them.
So I sit here for the first time since he left and reflect on all the things I could have done different, am I right in letting him go? Could I have persuaded him to stay? Will my children ever forgive me? Is there someone out there meant for me? Could I have avoided this 6 years ago by not letting him come back? I don't have any of these answers and know that I most likely never will but I still beat myself up on a regular basis about what I could of done different or whether telling him he can't come back was the right thing to do but I do know that my kids can't keep going through this and even if its not what I expected my life to be I know that in the long run my kids couldn't keep watching there Dad come and go......

Louis but I call him Dad

My Dad is amazing, always has been always will be. There is very little I can say bad about him. He raised my sister and I on his own from the time I was just barley 1. Working 3 jobs at times just to make ends meat. He didn't do everything right but he certainly didn't do it wrong either.
I love him with all my heart. I always compare a man to him. If my Daddy could do it alone you should be able to too. He never complained and refused any help form the government. He was and is Super Man. But now he's sick and there is no magic wand to make him all better.
He never goes to the doctor, ever! So when he called me and asked if I was sitting down then proceeded to tell me he was in the hospital well I dropped , I sobbed and then I went to him. He had gone to Urgent Care because he thought he had a cold and they sent him straight to the hospital where he was admitted to ICU. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and fluid on the lungs. He was there for 5 days and they couldn't figure out what was causing his heart rate to be 178/95! They did get it lowered 125/80 but not where it needed to be. He was sent home 2 days ago and now we wait to see what the cardiologist says. It hurts so bad to know your Dad is ill and you can't make him all better and whether the doctors can either. I'm scared. I'm stressed. I'm broken. He has to get better cause I will get worse if he doesn't. I can't lose my Dad he is my everything. I just want him all better and his normal ornery self.
Please Pray for his health and my sanity......